Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The First Time (Again)

You have a date you are very excited for. The joke is that a woman will her shave her legs so they're smooth for the ensuing nakedness they're anticipating. A man will check the condom in his wallet to make sure it hasn't expired. It's the first date, though. Neither of the two people really know if there will be any sex, but the excitement is there, nevertheless.

It's almost always the same situation: you've exhausted the Ex Sex, tired of one-night stands, and are finally ready for mind-blowing relationship sex again. Well, you're almost there. One problem: you still haven't figured out when the right time is.

The First Time is important and should be a memorable experience in a relationship. Cosmo says to wait one month. One. Month. I don't know many couples, outside of high school, who have waited that long.In fact, hats off to those who have. But let's be honest. Sexual chemistry is undeniable and hard to resist. I can't give you a hard answer as to how long you should wait, but here are some guidelines and things to consider before your next First Time:

1. Never on a first date. Ever. The only thing worse than no second date is no second date after they've seen you naked.

2. A hot, heavy make-out session is essential on a date prior to the one you have sex on. Consider it a pre-requisite. This is an excellent way chance to assess a few things: how good your partner is at making you feel good, and how well they restrain when you say "not yet". And third, most importantly, whether or not they are open to another date once they know it will take time to bed you.

3. Condoms. It doesn't matter if a woman is on the Pill/Shot/Patch/what-have-you or if he was tested 6 months ago. Diseases take time to show up and, let's face it, a lot can happen in 6 months. Unless you have been celibate for 6 months since you were tested, you could have anything.

4. Take your time when it comes to doing the deed. This is the first time you guys are being intimate. Do you really want it to be a haphazard, sloppy drunk, five-minute nightmare? I'm not saying you have to light candles and play smooth jazz (though that is nice), but try to make it something worth smiling about for a long time.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

What Every Man Should Know (That Most Women Won't Tell You) Pt. Two

This is a series of observations, and I'll be posting different parts over time.The thing is, women expect men to just know the right answer or the right thing to do, but that is sooo wrong. you cannot a expect a man to know what to do right out of the gate. Just like a woman does not not understand a man all the time, they don't understand us either.Here you go guys. We now come with a handbook! These are some tips and tricks to help you better understand a woman. It's not foolproof, but it's insight and probably more than you knew before.


1. If you have decided that you like a girl enough to date her, tell her. Women may like to think they're psychic, but they’re really not. Not knowing what the status is drives them nuts.

2. When you are ready to take the leap from dating to boyfriend-girlfriend status, tell them. Women hate being confused as to what is going on.

3. If you know you are not looking for a relationship, please, let her know! Women do not want to waste their time with a guy who isn’t even open to exploring the opportunity.

4. It’s the little things you do that make them feel special. Remembering how she takes her coffee in the morning, or her favorite ice cream flavor, means a lot! Write these little idiosyncracies down if you have to, just don't let her find it. The ice cream thing is also a good tactic if she’s had a bad day. Cheer her up with a pint; it may just end up a get-out-jail-free card.

5. Don’t mistake sweet for clingy. Some chicks just like doing nice things. If a chick is at the mall and happens to buy a shirt she thinks you’d like, don’t freak out. Just say thank you. It doesn't mean she's trying to baby you or make you her bitch or anything like that. She just thought you’d like the damn shirt!

Monday, October 1, 2007

What Cosmo is Doing Wrong

Women love Cosmo. It is often referred to as "The Bible". That's a high standard for any publication (except the actual Bible). When all is said and done, Cosmo, Glamour, Marie Claire, and all the others are fabulous. Where can you learn about the newest bag, newest eyeshadow, and newest sex position (guaranteed to MAXIMIZE YOUR ORGASM!) just by turning a page? Amazing.

The only problem is that some women put way too much stock into these articles. Here is a small smattering of some "Tried and True" tips and tricks from the beloved glossy pages women attempt to live by (that the editors need to be smacked for).

Beware The Engagement Chicken

Some mag actually published this recipe. Hey, I'm all for Lemon Garlic Chicken, but any woman who actually prepared this dish with the intention of spotlighting her "wife potential" was most likely disappointed. If a man is going to propose, it won't be because you made chicken. If it was all about the cooking I'd be afraid to cook a T-bone for a loser!

The Elephant Swing/ Love Pretzel

Guys care less what position it's in, as long as it's sex. Sure, you turn a guy on by showing off your contortionist skills, but do you really want to risk slipping a disc and ruining the mood because the article didn't mention that you need to be an Olympic gymnast to twist into the Human Winerack? I didn't think so.

Affordable Fashion!!!

Uh-huh. And just how many people do you know that can pay $75 for a plain white turtleneck that isn't even cashmere? I don't even own a pair a shoes that cost over $50 (well, they cost more than that retail, but I do my damnedest never to actualy pay retail). I think these women with 6-figure salaries need to reassess their idea of affordable. If it costs more than 25% of my rent, it is not affordable.

20 Questions to Get Closer to Your Man

How many men do you know that will answer the question "If you were a creature in the forest, which one would you be?" without first looking at you like you had lobsters crawling out of your ears? Let me assure you, very few. I'm all for tips like planning a picnic or touring a winery to get closer and share an activity or hobby, but asking any questions outside the scope of normal conversation will, at best, get you strange looks. At worst, the man will feel overly psychoanalyzed and wonder about your psychiatric history. Or he may just laugh at you, which sucks enough on its own.

5 Signs He's Gay (and You're a Stereotyping Idiot)

Just because a man likes fashion or Grey's Anatomy does mean he's gay. Hel-lo, there are lesbian make-out sessions on Grey's and wouldn't you rather have a guy looks good and smells clean than a Kurt Cobain throwback? Yeah I thought so. Hell, I used to have a friend who's boyfriend was so metro she began stories with "So Matt was sewing curtains last night..." And let me tell you this guy was super-straight and damn sexy. It's called him being secure in his masculinity. Look at it this way: a miniskirt and stilettos doesn't mean you're a slut. Reading GQ doesn't mean he's gay.

What Every Man Should Know (That Most Women Won't Tell You) Pt. 1

This is a series of observations, and I'll be posting different parts over time.

The thing is, women expect men to just know the right answer or the right thing to do, but that is sooo wrong. you cannot a expect a man to know what to do right out of the gate. Just like a woman does not not understand a man all the time, they don't understand us either.

Here you go guys. We now come with a handbook! These are some tips and tricks to help you better understand a woman. It's not foolproof, but it's insight and probably more than you knew before.

Part One: Winning Her Over

1. Women want to be made to feel special. We do not just come when called. If we do, beware. We may have ulterior motives.

2. Nothing makes a girl feel better than knowing she is truly wanted.

3. Stereotypical gifts, such as flowers and candy, do not mean as much as something you actually put thought into. Remember that time she told you that she likes to write poetry? Well, a new journal will mean a lot more to her than roses that will die in a week. (However, getting her favorite flowers or a bouquet in her favorite color, is a special exception to this rule. This shows her you were paying attention.)

4. Hang out with her friends. Women tend put a lot of stock into what her friends think and how they react to you. When you meet them be yourself. It’s not that she won’t date you if they don’t like you, but it means a lot to her to be able to hang out with a potential boyfriend and her friends at the same time.

5. Introduce her to your friends. Women don’t want to feel like your dirty little secret. They don’t really plan on interfering with your "guy time". A woman just wants to know she's important enough to be brought into the circle. The same goes for your family, but women are much more forgiving when it comes to needing time for that to happen.

Next: Part Two: Entering Couple-dom

Friday, September 28, 2007

The New Fall Line-up

Leaves are changing. Designers are gearing up to preview their Spring '08 lines. Pumpkins are abounding in their garish orange-ness at every corner gas station, orchard, and Wal-Mart Halloween center (which, three weeks ago was the Walmart Garden Center).

And then there's you.

You are scoping out Fun-Size Milky Ways and the It leather trench coat. You have finally exhausted the tale of your hot summer fling, whose e-mails are becoming fewer and far between. Worse, you are becoming increasingly disturbed by the fact that the only thing turning you on lately is the Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks.

To you Fall/Autumn means three things:

1) Ugly Betty & Grey's Anatomy are back, giving you one night a week that feels okay to be dateless.
2) A whole month of turkey & trimmings and all the cookies you can eat is just around the corner.
3) If you want someone to share Christmas with and kiss on New Year's Eve, you're running out of time.

So, now is the time to find someone you can dress up like a Sexy Santa for... or not. Depending on a guy's sense of humor, this can totally backfire and, let's face it, no girl wants to be laughed at while wearing lingerie. You need to weed through all these guys and you need to know where to find them. So here they are.

The New Fall Line-up:

Mr. Rugged: Characterized by his constant five-o-clock shadow and propensity towards flannel, he's a teddy bear and will make you feel protected. He most likely drives a pick-up, which always has basic tools and jumper cables. Find him in the camping aisle of the sporting goods store, on the hiking trail, or Home Depot.
Pros: good provider, handy around the house and in the bedroom, always makes you feel like a woman, and if you like chest hair, he's your man
Cons: Ever heard of a Hunting Widow? Be prepared. You won't see him many weekends in November unless you're in the deer stand with him.

Johnny Sportsnut: Identified by his baseball cap and perpetual jeans-and-t-shirt combo. Usually clean-cut, except for Sundays. Knows how to have a good time. Find him at the local sports bar, Saturday in the park playing ball with his buddies, any sporting event that involves beer and hot dogs
Pros: generally good sense of humor, very social, usually physically fit
Cons: If you don't understand football you either have to learn or leave him alone on Sundays. He will be there for you if you need him, but someone better be bleeding if you make him look away from the screen before SportsCenter is over.

The Nubile Newbie: The hot, new college grad who just got hired where you work. He's young, smart, and you wouldn't mind throwing him down on your desk and making him a real man. Find him in the cubicle next to yours.
Pros: used to drunken sorority girls who do kegstands, so you're already ahead
Cons: still getting used to the fact that "frat boy" is no longer one of his finer attributes, may still have that pack mentality

The Reformed Nerd: Characterized by his pick-up line "Hey did you just the fight outside?" or something equally lame. He just finished watching the entire season of "The Pick-Up Artist" on VH1 and took notes. He now believes he is finally equipped with the tools to get a woman. Find him in the local bar or coffee shop.
Pros: "Nerds" are sometimes the best guys out there. They respect women and are usually very smart.
Cons: Somewhat socially awkward, usually need a fashion tip, spend more than a normal amount of time internet gaming.

Keep in mind, these are stereotypes, but fairly accurate ones. All of these guys have great dating potential and none are better or worse than any other. It all depends on your personality and what you are looking for.

Also keep in mind that you should, like baseball cards, collect them all to discover which ones have the highest value for you. Trying something new opens you up to new experiences. For instance, you may be a major girly-girl, but forgoing your straightening iron in favor of a weekend spent in a tent by a campfire with Mr. Rugged could be revitalizing.

Eliminating a guy before the first date is just plain wrong, and you'll really miss out. Look at it this way:
At best, you can say "Yes, Aunt Muriel, I do have a boyfriend," at your family Thanksgiving.
At worst, you have a story to tell your friends when they need a laugh.