Friday, September 28, 2007

The New Fall Line-up

Leaves are changing. Designers are gearing up to preview their Spring '08 lines. Pumpkins are abounding in their garish orange-ness at every corner gas station, orchard, and Wal-Mart Halloween center (which, three weeks ago was the Walmart Garden Center).

And then there's you.

You are scoping out Fun-Size Milky Ways and the It leather trench coat. You have finally exhausted the tale of your hot summer fling, whose e-mails are becoming fewer and far between. Worse, you are becoming increasingly disturbed by the fact that the only thing turning you on lately is the Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks.

To you Fall/Autumn means three things:

1) Ugly Betty & Grey's Anatomy are back, giving you one night a week that feels okay to be dateless.
2) A whole month of turkey & trimmings and all the cookies you can eat is just around the corner.
3) If you want someone to share Christmas with and kiss on New Year's Eve, you're running out of time.

So, now is the time to find someone you can dress up like a Sexy Santa for... or not. Depending on a guy's sense of humor, this can totally backfire and, let's face it, no girl wants to be laughed at while wearing lingerie. You need to weed through all these guys and you need to know where to find them. So here they are.

The New Fall Line-up:

Mr. Rugged: Characterized by his constant five-o-clock shadow and propensity towards flannel, he's a teddy bear and will make you feel protected. He most likely drives a pick-up, which always has basic tools and jumper cables. Find him in the camping aisle of the sporting goods store, on the hiking trail, or Home Depot.
Pros: good provider, handy around the house and in the bedroom, always makes you feel like a woman, and if you like chest hair, he's your man
Cons: Ever heard of a Hunting Widow? Be prepared. You won't see him many weekends in November unless you're in the deer stand with him.

Johnny Sportsnut: Identified by his baseball cap and perpetual jeans-and-t-shirt combo. Usually clean-cut, except for Sundays. Knows how to have a good time. Find him at the local sports bar, Saturday in the park playing ball with his buddies, any sporting event that involves beer and hot dogs
Pros: generally good sense of humor, very social, usually physically fit
Cons: If you don't understand football you either have to learn or leave him alone on Sundays. He will be there for you if you need him, but someone better be bleeding if you make him look away from the screen before SportsCenter is over.

The Nubile Newbie: The hot, new college grad who just got hired where you work. He's young, smart, and you wouldn't mind throwing him down on your desk and making him a real man. Find him in the cubicle next to yours.
Pros: used to drunken sorority girls who do kegstands, so you're already ahead
Cons: still getting used to the fact that "frat boy" is no longer one of his finer attributes, may still have that pack mentality

The Reformed Nerd: Characterized by his pick-up line "Hey did you just the fight outside?" or something equally lame. He just finished watching the entire season of "The Pick-Up Artist" on VH1 and took notes. He now believes he is finally equipped with the tools to get a woman. Find him in the local bar or coffee shop.
Pros: "Nerds" are sometimes the best guys out there. They respect women and are usually very smart.
Cons: Somewhat socially awkward, usually need a fashion tip, spend more than a normal amount of time internet gaming.


Keep in mind, these are stereotypes, but fairly accurate ones. All of these guys have great dating potential and none are better or worse than any other. It all depends on your personality and what you are looking for.

Also keep in mind that you should, like baseball cards, collect them all to discover which ones have the highest value for you. Trying something new opens you up to new experiences. For instance, you may be a major girly-girl, but forgoing your straightening iron in favor of a weekend spent in a tent by a campfire with Mr. Rugged could be revitalizing.

Eliminating a guy before the first date is just plain wrong, and you'll really miss out. Look at it this way:
At best, you can say "Yes, Aunt Muriel, I do have a boyfriend," at your family Thanksgiving.
At worst, you have a story to tell your friends when they need a laugh.