Monday, October 1, 2007

What Cosmo is Doing Wrong

Women love Cosmo. It is often referred to as "The Bible". That's a high standard for any publication (except the actual Bible). When all is said and done, Cosmo, Glamour, Marie Claire, and all the others are fabulous. Where can you learn about the newest bag, newest eyeshadow, and newest sex position (guaranteed to MAXIMIZE YOUR ORGASM!) just by turning a page? Amazing.

The only problem is that some women put way too much stock into these articles. Here is a small smattering of some "Tried and True" tips and tricks from the beloved glossy pages women attempt to live by (that the editors need to be smacked for).

Beware The Engagement Chicken

Some mag actually published this recipe. Hey, I'm all for Lemon Garlic Chicken, but any woman who actually prepared this dish with the intention of spotlighting her "wife potential" was most likely disappointed. If a man is going to propose, it won't be because you made chicken. If it was all about the cooking I'd be afraid to cook a T-bone for a loser!

The Elephant Swing/ Love Pretzel

Guys care less what position it's in, as long as it's sex. Sure, you turn a guy on by showing off your contortionist skills, but do you really want to risk slipping a disc and ruining the mood because the article didn't mention that you need to be an Olympic gymnast to twist into the Human Winerack? I didn't think so.

Affordable Fashion!!!

Uh-huh. And just how many people do you know that can pay $75 for a plain white turtleneck that isn't even cashmere? I don't even own a pair a shoes that cost over $50 (well, they cost more than that retail, but I do my damnedest never to actualy pay retail). I think these women with 6-figure salaries need to reassess their idea of affordable. If it costs more than 25% of my rent, it is not affordable.

20 Questions to Get Closer to Your Man

How many men do you know that will answer the question "If you were a creature in the forest, which one would you be?" without first looking at you like you had lobsters crawling out of your ears? Let me assure you, very few. I'm all for tips like planning a picnic or touring a winery to get closer and share an activity or hobby, but asking any questions outside the scope of normal conversation will, at best, get you strange looks. At worst, the man will feel overly psychoanalyzed and wonder about your psychiatric history. Or he may just laugh at you, which sucks enough on its own.

5 Signs He's Gay (and You're a Stereotyping Idiot)

Just because a man likes fashion or Grey's Anatomy does mean he's gay. Hel-lo, there are lesbian make-out sessions on Grey's and wouldn't you rather have a guy looks good and smells clean than a Kurt Cobain throwback? Yeah I thought so. Hell, I used to have a friend who's boyfriend was so metro she began stories with "So Matt was sewing curtains last night..." And let me tell you this guy was super-straight and damn sexy. It's called him being secure in his masculinity. Look at it this way: a miniskirt and stilettos doesn't mean you're a slut. Reading GQ doesn't mean he's gay.

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